Tove Lo Is My New Imaginary Girlfriend

I just looked at the battery icon on my laptop and realized it wasn’t charging. I said, “What the fuck.” Then I investigated. (Of course I put on my beige trench coat and got out my magnifying glass. Columbo is on too often at my house.)

Anyway, I quickly realized that part of the adapter was unplugged. So I plugged it in. Duh. And when I saw the battery icon come back on, I don’t know, it was just so AMAZING. You can just put a piece of plastic in a little hole, and something that wasn’t working will start working again. (I’ve been spending too much time on my bud’s Erotica Nation page. What I just said made me think naughty thoughts. 🙂 )

I wish life worked like that, anyway. Plug it in and it works again. But I’ve spent half of today feeling like I was about to have a heart attack, my vodka glass is empty (I have to go see to that), there are still clothes in the dryer, the alarm will go off in two hours in case I forget to give the dog his medication, and then I have to remember to reset the alarm to bring my mother to the doctor in the morning. The lawn needs to be mowed, it looks like rednecks live here. If I had a gun, I’d shoot myself right between the eyes.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist last week, but my mother wasn’t feeling well, and I had to cancel. Next one’s not till October, and I know my meds need to be changed. Ah, well. Everybody in the whole goddamned world probably needs their meds changed.

But I have digressed! What did I start out with? Oh, yeah. Tove Lo is my new lady. Do you know Tove Lo? I first heard her in my Nick Jonas CD on “Close.” Then on my 50 Shades Darker album with “Lies in the Dark.” (One of my fave songs ever.) But then I was scrolling through the bargain CDs on Amazon (which I do too often), and I saw LADY WOOD for $5. So I bought it. And then I immediately bought QUEEN OF THE CLOUDS.

I watched a short interview she gave on FUSE, and then I watched the video for Habits (Stay High) like half a dozen times. I am infatuated. Since I’m currently trying to forget somebody, it’s nice to have an imaginary girl. And Tove Lo definitely gives me LADY WOOD. Ha ha.

Do you ever wish somebody would fuck you so hard it would be hard to walk for a few days? Harder with girl on girl, but it can be done. (Dildos not included.) Do you ever wish somebody would just tell you that you matter to them? Like, really matter. But once, when I was hospitalized for trying to kill myself, I had a doctor that I really liked. She said, by the time you die, you’ll only be able to count your TRUE friends on one hand.

Fucking wise lady. God, I swear like a pirate these days. Hey True Friend, if you’re out there, don’t forget about me, OK? I’ll be waiting.


Bad Transformations :0

I am undergoing my latest transformation. I fucking hate those things.

Anyway, lately I’ve been feeling the sting of not really having anyone to talk to – so I’m going to start talking to you. YOU, as in, whoever you are. The few kind followers I have. Maybe just the Internet itself. I shall talk to you, and if I am ever famous (not likely), people with dig through this crap like they did with the letters between Virginia Woolf and Vita Sackville-West.

This will be cool, because I can say whatever I want, and I don’t have to worry what anyone thinks. I recently ruined a really good friendship on account of my emotional behavior. Well, she was more than a friend to me, but that’s neither here nor there.

I’ve been having a lot of trouble writing lately, so I’m hoping if I dish out in these blog entries, it’ll loosen my flow. It doesn’t really even matter if anyone listens. I’ve just got to talk.

I’m 30,000 words into my next short novel, and I need to release it as soon as possible to boost sales. I’ve been spending a lot of time on Twitter, because now I have two accounts, my personal one and that of a friend who gave me his to manage. I got two clients in a week, they seem like really cool people, and I’m trying really hard to boost their sales.

Sometimes I feel kind of overwhelmed on account of my familial obligations, I feel like I’m running into the ground, like I’m never going to get anything accomplished. I feel so depressed. I’ve been sleeping late because I don’t want to get up. I guess I hope if I don’t open my eyes, it won’t start all over again. But it always does.

Well, that’s enough bitching for today. I just got all the hangnails I bit to stop bleeding, and I’m going to get another drink. My drinking is starting to give me gastrointestinal issues, but hell, whatever. It’s better than being sober. 😊

Love & Faith

Life is good

There are ups and downs

Of course

But such is the way.

I have hope for the future

I have faith in the now

I’ve made amends with the past

And I am who I am.

I need a little work

Who doesn’t?

But I’ve come a long way

And the sweat wasn’t misspent.

Trials are pressing

Attempts are up in the air

But I have faith in the outcome.

A last word

I love her truly

If she reads this

She’ll know what I meant.

I’m not perfect

But my love is pure

And I wouldn’t give it to anyone else.

Complex Ticking

“The state of one’s heart,” Gala countered,

“Is not so simple as that.”

And take heed – this is true.

There are moments of weakness

(Much more common, I find)

And there are moments of strength

(Hard to locate, but not nonexistent).

Depression can make you want to

Alter your physical appearance

While happiness can make you feel beautiful.

But the exterior is just a mold

Ever-changing, hardly more than putty

In a petulant child’s fist.

Why prize it so highly?

You may be pleased with your countenance

But while your heart is in shards

It does you little good.

Better to let the putty melt a bit

Better to let the child deform it a little

If a healthy heart is the end result.

The Vampire Elf Queen

Her name is Queen Ivory, and I love her because she is different from the one I knew before.

She is the elf queen of the Emerald Palace. She has long golden locks, bright blue eyes, and skin white as milk.

She tells me she loves me. “Human women,” she says, “they are so fickle. One moment they express interest, the next moment they have flitted away – pssh – after some colorful butterfly.”

“Ah, yes,” I say groggily, having become drunk on her darkenberry wine.

“They cannot sate you the way I can,” she goes on to say, locking my eyes with her ice-blue gaze.

“Perhaps not,” I whisper, the world swimming before my eyes. “But still – I loved her.”

“Did you?” she inquires. “You humans cannot even comprehend the meaning of love. ‘I love you, I love you,’ you are always blathering the words – but what the fuck do you think they mean?”

I shake my head, spilling my wine over the front of my shirt. Tears are pouring down my face.

“I suppose I don’t know,” I murmur lifelessly.

She comes forward to take my glass, then dashes it down against the stones. Broken glass skitters everywhere.

“Do you trust me?” she asks.

“Yes,” I whisper, looking dumbly into her ice-blue eyes.

She kisses me, sucking with her lungs, drawing the entirety of my soul from my body. Then she lowers her mouth to my neck, more vampire than elf, and drains the blood from my veins.

“You silly humans,” she whispers, patting my cheek with her warm hand. “You do not know what love is.”

My last sight is of her bright white dress, slithering away from me, as I fall down to the cold, bloody stones.


Waiting for the last breath

Waiting for the last inhalation

Even more exciting

The last exhalation

I’ve felt my heart go wonky

But I wonder how it will feel

When it goes still

Leaving the confusion behind

Leaving the mystery behind

Content not to understand

What others thought

Content not to comprehend

What I couldn’t accomplish.