So, a strange fact to start off. My left nipple keeps buzzing. Just that one, not the right one. I was rolling them in my fingers this morning imagining someone in particular, and I started to notice the buzzing this afternoon. At first I thought it was just the way I was walking. But it’s coming more often now, buzzing in a really weird way, like my phone when it’s on vibrate. That’s the exact sensation. As if a vibrating phone was pressed against my nipple.
Just the left one. Super weird.
ANYWAY, this is the first of my Crazy Chronicles. I have been feeling super psycho lately, and I think writing a bit of it down might help. Just a brief warning, if you have sensitive sensibilities or aren’t fond of explicit material, stop reading. If you like that sort of thing, well hell, knock yourself out.
They diagnosed me as bipolar, but I think I’m just insane. I’m thinking maybe multiple personality disorder. Let’s call it SYBIL RETURNS. You know Sybil, right? Sally Field did a damn fine job with that one. Whoa – my nipple just buzzed again. This is so weird. ANYWAY, back to it.
I was mega high yesterday, but today I’m mega low. I’ve been in a black hole all day with dark shadows swirling over me. Tears loaded behind my eyes, but they never fell. I think they’re going to let loose later on after a few more drinks.
And yet, there was one strange thought that consoled me somehow. I hurt so bad on the inside, I wanted to hurt on the outside, too. I thought of cutting myself again, but razors just don’t do the trick. It hardly even hurts when you do it, especially when you’re drunk. Which I always am at night. It hurts like a motherfucker over the next few days, but that’s not really a good kind of hurt. It’s just a pain in the ass.
So, as to what I imagined. I wanted someone to tie me to a concrete pole in the middle of some basement. I’d be completely naked, my hands bound so tight, my knees chafing against the concrete underneath me. The lighting is dim. Standing behind me is a shapely woman in a black bra, black panties and a black ski mask. I’d told her earlier I don’t want to see her face. I don’t want to know anything about her. I just want her to hurt me.
She’s holding a huge black whip, made of leather and so cruel-looking. She’s a dom and I want her to hurt me.
“Whip me,” I say loudly.
She doesn’t hesitate for even the briefest moment. She cracks the whip for show, then draws it back to do its work on me. I hear the crack, the first lick is like fire on my skin. I feel the blood drip down. Ooooohhhh this is what I wanted so bad. The outside hurt is matching the inside hurt, it’s pushing my haze away. The haze I’m always in. The nondescript haze that reminds me my life is meaningless. But isn’t everyone’s?
“Again!” I scream.
I hear the crack. Feel the fire. This dom seems to know what I want, she doesn’t stop. She just keeps pulling the whip back, striking it against my naked flesh. There’s so much blood, I can see it dripping down onto the grey concrete. I’m sinking down against the pole, only half-conscious, my mind almost entirely clouded by this intense pain. But I welcome it. It’s making the inside pain go away.
I’m like Jesus of Nazareth, I’m like Robert Powell being whipped by the Pharisees. Only difference was, He was pure. I am so dirty and disgusting.
I sink down to the concrete, unable to remain upright any longer. Miss Black-Clad Dom throws down the whip, walking briskly towards me in her ridiculously high heels. I’m down on the floor, but my hands are up on the pole, bound so tightly. The raw cuts will leave permanent scars.
“Want me to fuck you?” Miss Black-Clad Dom inquires. “You paid for it, after all.”
“Get the fuck away from me,” I whisper, my cheek lying in a pool of my own blood down on the concrete. “I just wanted you to destroy me.”
“Did I succeed?” she asks, a smile in her stupid voice.
“Yeah,” I mumble, sinking back down into the blood. “You did.”
“Adios, then,” she says, turning to leave. Her black heels clack-clack-clacking against the concrete.
I’m still tied up. There’s no one here to untie me. But I really don’t care.