It’s been a bit of a day. If graphic/disturbing material doesn’t agree with you, please don’t read this.
Last night I had terrible nightmares. When I woke up, I thought that cutting in the night had been part of the dreams. But it wasn’t. I touched my leg and felt the Kleenex, saturated with dried blood, adhered to my skin. I rolled over on the mattress and saw the prodigious amount of blood staining my sheets.
I managed all right until I got in the shower. At that point, I had to remove the Kleenex. When I pulled it off (very slowly) strips of flesh from inside the wounds were peeled away, too. Two of the three cuts didn’t bleed, but one was out of control. I got in the shower, hoping washing it would stanch the bleed, as sometimes happens. But the longer I ran the water over it, the worse the bleed got. Finally I gave up and shut off the shower, trying to figure it out. I should keep something on hand for incidents like these.
I tried to dry the area and mop up the blood, but it was running down my leg and getting all over everything. I had one non-stick pad left, and I stuck it on with band-aids, but I couldn’t get the skin dry enough and it eventually fell back off.
I felt so sick while I was doing all this, I wasn’t sure I could get it done, but I refused to call for help. Something like that, when someone sees you like that – it never goes away. I’d lost so much blood in the shower, I felt very faint. I thought I might pass out, but fortunately I didn’t.
I’ve been changing tissues/paper towels on the bleeding wound all day. Early in the afternoon, it began to bleed badly again, and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get it to stop. I suspected it might need a few stitches, and I’m still not certain. I wouldn’t have had any qualms about going to the ER (I’m not proud), but that would have meant informing the person I live with that I’d done it again. And that was the last resort.
I just stopped for a moment with the paper towel pressed to the wound, looking up at the ceiling and begging God to make it stop bleeding. “Please, Jesus,” I said. “Please help me.”
A few seconds later, I removed the paper towel and fixed a tissue over the cut. The bleed had stopped.
The same tissue is still attached, but I think I’ll run into the same issue. It’s embedded in the wound again, and there’s no way to remove it without resuming the bleed. I’ll try to cut it down and tape it, then shower with it in the morning and pray it washes away clean.
I mainly wrote this as a deterrent to people who may want to hurt themselves tonight. Please – it’s not worth it. Don’t do it. Have an extra drink if you need to, watch another episode of your favorite cartoon. Don’t pick up that blade.